Your basic standard issue Mayflower toilet seat
manufactured by Bemis
Thanksgiving 2014.
I visited my parents for the long holiday weekend. My
immediate family was scattered like straws to the wind. My wife was on the west
coast, visiting her parents, and my two daughters who were in college in
California. My son was visiting his girlfriend's parents. I took
the train down to Philly from Boston to visit my parents, brother, and his
family. As I usually do on such trips, I
stayed at my parents’ place, sleeping on the foldaway bed in their study. We
had a nice Thanksgiving, but on Friday, Black Friday, I decided to fix a few
things around their house.
The toilet seat in the bathroom in the upstairs hall where I
showered was broken. The darn thing was coming off its hinges.
Every time I tried to open it up to pee, the seat just fell off. I spent
a couple of days dealing with this when I mentioned it to my mom, and she says,
"Oh, yes, I've been meaning to get that fixed, can’t you work on the
hinges?” I said that, no, the thing is
plain busted and they needed a new seat.
My mom had been tossing odd jobs at me for the past few days.
I really didn't mind. Anyway, I offered to go out, get a new seat,
and install it. She said that that would be great.
“You’ll have to go to a special store to find a toilet seat, I
don’t know where that might be. I think
there might be one in Ardmore.”
“No, Mom, I’ll just go to the hardware store in Bryn Mawr, I’m
sure they have one.”
“Hardware stores don’t carry toilet seats.”
“Of course they do.”
“Well you’d better call first.”
Although I thought it was pointless, I phoned up the hardware
store in Bryn Mawr, and asked if they had toilet seats. The guy on the other end of the line said,
“yeah, of course. We have a pretty decent selection.”
My parents were taking a nap in the early afternoon. I figured
this would be a good time to go to the hardware store. I didn't have any
change for the parking meters. I rummaged
and couldn’t find any lying around. I had to hatch a "plan".
There are meters Bryn Mawr where you push a button and get 10 minutes for free.
I figured I'd go in, park, push the button, get my 10 minutes, go into
Starbucks, pay for a coffee with cash, and get change for the meter.
I drove my parents’ car into Bryn Mawr and into a lot near
Starbucks, and wouldn't you know it, but there's cop car in the lot, and he's
ticketing cars where the meters had run out. I pull up to a space, punch
in my free10 minutes and go into Starbucks. I ordered up my drink, but
it seemed to take an inordinate amount of time - standing in line, looking over
my shoulder, worrying about getting ticketed. Also, I felt bad about not leaving a tip, but
I needed the change. I finally get my drink and get out and find that I
only have one minute left on the meter. Phew!
I then drive to the lot behind the hardware store, but the main entrance
facing a hospital complex is completely blocked off by temporary orange fencing
and a big sign reading "NO HOSPITAL PARKING" is there. So, I
drive around to the side entrance, but find that every single parking space is
taken. Every one! No one is leaving either.
I drive back to the original lot, and find that there are nearly
no legit open spaces there either. There were some spaces in the
handicapped zone, but with the cops ticketing, I figured it would be nuts to
park in one of those. Finally, I found a spot next to the handicapped
ones that looked OK.
I walk over to the hardware store and pass another cop who is
heading into the lot behind, ready to ticket more people.
I select a toilet seat that looks like a good match and purchase
it. I mention to the guy behind the counter that the parking lot
behind was crazy full. He said, “Must
be a movie at the theater or something, it’s been real quiet in here today.”
I then walk back towards my car and pass yet a third cop - yes -
each one was different - ticketing cars....looking at me suspiciously even
though I was just walking with a toilet seat.
I go back to the lot and see the car. I see a dent in the fender. That didn't
seem right and I wonder why I hadn't noticed it before. Also, the baby
seat that my folks use to carry my niece was gone. I thought that this was odd, but maybe they
took it out to get more room in the car.
She was six years old, after all. I push the unlock switch on the key and hear
locks disengage and notice that *shit*, I'm parked in a handicap space.
How could I be so stupid? I see that I don't have a parking ticket under
the windshield wiper and am relieved. I get into the car and put the
toilet seat down, along with the receipt. I then go to turn the ignition
on with the key, and *shit*, it's a push-button ignition. Wait....I was
in the wrong car! I guess the driver had
left it unlocked. I nearly jump out of my skin at the sudden realization,
grab the new toilet seat, and get out of the car.
It's only then that I notice that my parents' car is parked next
to it, where I'd originally parked. What
happened was: someone parked next to it after I went into the hardware store.
Their car was the same color, same size, same interior color: the works.
This explained why things seemed odd with it.
I drive back home with the toilet seat and go upstairs to fix
it. My parents are up from their nap at this point. I start taking the
old seat off, and my dad comes upstairs yelling "wait! wait! , don't
unwrap it, you need to measure it first!" He seems disgusted with
my incompetence. He then produces a tape measure and demonstrates to me that I
have the wrong length seat. "Should've asked me first," with a snort, and he goes away very satisfied with himself.
I'm flustered, so I drive back into Bryn Mawr with the seat I’d just
bought and park in the same lot, but this time I got some change from my mom
for the parking meter. I couldn’t find
the receipt for the toilet seat though, and wondered if I’d have trouble
exchanging it for the larger sized model my dad told me I had to get.
I park in the lot and see the same car I accidentally went into,
realizing that I probably left the receipt in that car when I jumped out so
quickly. I pause, wondering about the ethics of trying to retrieve the
receipt from the car, but think the better of it - imagining some difficult
moment explaining the situation to a cop.
I go back to the hardware store to get the bigger toilet seat,
nearly getting run over in the crosswalk on the way, I might add.
In the hardware store, I explain the situation. One of the clerks says “Oh, you need an
extended toilet seat, let’s see…” He picks one out and, I make the exchange and
go back to my parents’ car, this time without incident.
I then proceed to take out the old toilet seat, and for some
reason can't figure out the hinges on the new model, go to the Bemis website
and find that it's down for maintenance. Finally I figure out the
hinges, also find that the plastic wing-nuts are too large for the toilet and
have to saw them down with a hacksaw that I dig up from my parents' basement.
I then finally get the mounting hardware in place and *shit* -
the goddamn seat is too long. Turns out I purchased the right length
seat in the first place.
My dad then exclaims that I shouldn't have tried to change out
the seat in the first place as it wasn't broken, but my mom disagrees.
Rather than do any more guess-work, I take the old toilet seat
and throw it into the car and drive once again into Bryn Mawr and decide to
take my chances with the parking lot behind the Hardware store. Well,
the mystery of why everything was parked-in was solved – there were multiple
movies playing the local artsy movie theater, but now the movies were letting
out. People were pulling out of parking
spaces right and left, but everyone was getting confused by the plastic fencing
blocking one of the entrances and exits and were all completely befuddled and
it took me quite some time to get past these people and into a parking space.
I go into the hardware store yet again, and find that my
original choice in a toilet seat was a perfect match. I purchase that
and the guy behind the counter is kind enough to say that I can bring in the
other seat and he'll take it back.
I then walk out of the hardware store and find that there we're
still in the changeover mode with the movie theater, but the lot is becoming
quite full, again. I try to back out of my spot, but there are two people
trying to grab my space coming at me from different sides and I can't really
back out and neither of them are relenting. Totally blocked. Finally
one relents and I can back out.
I then try to get out of the lot and see confused drivers
blocking me at every turn.
I finally make it home, take off the old-new seat that's too
long and finally get the proper one installed. It was a perfect
fit.
Victory.
From that point on, my dad didn’t say a word about the whole
affair, but my mother did express some gratitude, and that she had been
meaning to get the toilet seat fixed for some time, nearly a year.
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